It's Only Fair
by Corsiva Vyrae
Summary: Edward should have known to never, EVER, take the consequences of a bet for granted, especially when the odds were against him. I mean, who in their right minds would bet being able to steal Riza Hawkeye's gun!
1. The Bet

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.**

"Oh no. Oh nonononononono. **Oh Hell no**."

"Oh Hell yes!"

"You lost the bet, Ed. It's only fair."

"This is _not_ fair!! Come on, guys! Spare me some dignity!"

"Nope."

"_Please_?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Al…some **help** here??"

"Sorry, brother, but a bet's a bet…and I don't think it'll look so bad on you anyways…" "_**WHAT**_?!"

"You shouldn't have added that last part, Alphonse."

"But it's true!"

"He's got a point there, man."

"Touche."

"AM I INVISIBLE OR SOMETHING?!!"

The tick mark that appeared on Edward's head grew even bigger as he glared frostily at the four people in front of him. Havoc waved the articles of clothing in his face, causing the blonde to jump back in disgust, emitting chuckles from Breda, Alphonse and Falman.

"Alright, time's up. Wear it."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes. You will."

"N-O. **No**."

"Boss, if you don't take it now, I'll put it on you myself."

"Gross! You perverted adult! I'm not wearing it and there's no way you're going to make me!"

"Ohohoho. _Really now_?"

"Face it, Havoc, you're old bones aren't in _any_ condition to chase this young and vivacious youth."

"Vivacious? Ha! That's a laugh. Stop stalling and put them on."

"Make me."

"Alrighty then. I'll give you three seconds to change your mind before I make you do it….by force." Havoc stretched his hand out, grinning madly.

"Cha right."

"Three."

"Brother, I think you should take it."

"What? Why?!"

"Two."

"He means it."

"How many times…?! I already said **no**!!"

"Two and a half."

"Ed, he's not joking."

"Right. Like I'd believe that."

"Two and three fourths."

"NO. Nononononononono. No. No. NO!!!"

"Two and two fourths…"

"Where in the world did you get _those_ anyway?!"

"…"

"…"

"AHA! Gotcha! You sweet talked one of the girls around here, didn't you?" "No…I…Havoc…plan…AARGH!!"

"Oooh. Who knew Breda was such a chick magnet."

"It wasn't me!!!"

"One."

"Hah. So what're you going to do? Flirt me to death?"

"Nah. I'm just going to go spread a rumor that the Fullmetal Alchemist, Hero of the people, is into other guys. Nothing big, really."

The orange haired second lieutenant shrugged, trying to keep from laughing at the horror on Edward's face.

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

"He would."

"I don't believe you!!"

"You should."

"He will."

"He is."

"….**FINE**!!! Give me the damn stuff!!!"

"That's the spirit~"

"And don't forget the hair!"

"Whatever."

"And—"_**DON'T**_ push it."

"Roger that, boss."

The alchemist hissed angrily as Havoc raised his hands in defeat. Snatching up the clothing and shoes, Edward stormed into the nearest bathroom, slamming the door as loudly as possible.

"Wow. I can't _believe_ you pulled that one on him."

"He left me no choice."

"Man, Jean, you pissed him off bad this time."

"I know~"

Havoc chuckled, knocking on the bathroom door a few times.

"**RAAAAUGHWR**!!!!"

Everyone froze at the sound.

"What the hell was that?!"

"I believe that would be brother saying "**FUCK OFF**!!!" in his 'severely-pissed-and-in-no-mood-to-talk-coherently-and-just-roar-and-growl' language."

"Ah…"

Falman groaned, rubbing his forehead in circles.

"God, he's good at that. Now I'm positively glowing with consciousness."

"Well, he does get his practice with the Colonel."

"Breda, man, that sentence just sounded _totally_ wrong."

"What are you talking abou—Oh. OH. Ohhhh…ahm…just…just forget I said that…"

"What? Why? What was wrong with what he said?"

"Ah, nothing! Nothing, Alphonse. Ahhh…I just meant that he has a lot of practice with his voice with the Colonel because of their shouting matches…**THAT'S** what I meant."

"O…kay…?"

An awkward silence descended upon them as they waited for Edward to finish dressing-up.

"I would ask why you are standing outside the bathroom in silence, but I think I'd rather not know."

"Lieutenant Hawkeye!"

"Ahh…ahm…Hey, Riza…"

"What brings you to this part of the…of the headquarters?"

"I believe I **work** here, Havoc."

"Pathetic excuse, man."

"Oh, shut up Breda."

"Why are you here, lieutenant?"

"I arrived to find the office empty, except for Colonel trying to burn his paperwork…._again_. And, may I inquire, why is _Fuery__** doing**_ all of _your _work?" The woman's eyes blazed in unquestionable anger.

"Ah, about that…you see…"

"We had a bet with Edward…"

"And he lost…"

"Alphonse, care to explain to me, because I can't understand anything these useless men are saying."

"Well, as they said, they had a bet with brother, and he lost. We're just waiting for him to come out and start his punishment…"

"Mhm. And why can't they wait for him in _**the office**_…while _working_?"

"Maybe because work can be so—"

Riza put her hand on her holster and cocked her pistol threateningly, raising one eyebrow.

"I will ask you to continue the sentence _**properly**_."

"—fun. Yeah, fun. That's what I was going to say."

"Yeah right."

"Shh!"

Falman received questioning looks as he shushed them, nodding his head towards the door, where the handle was turning slowly.

"Here he comes~"

"I can just imagine what he looks like…wait…no…nevermind…"

"His expression might just ruin the whole thing."

"Who are you talking about?"

"Edward."

The door opened slowly, revealing a small figure standing behind it. Havoc whistled lowly.

"**Holy**.,,!!"

"Wow. I mean…**wow**."

"Oh my God, Ed! Is that even you?!"

"Told you you'd look fine, brother."

"Edward, please tell me that isn't you."

"I can't wait to see the Colonel's expression!"

"Don't even **dare** let the Colonel get a glimpse of him, you three. He'll never believe it's Edward and he may end up _taking him home_."

"Yuck! Poor brother, subjected to such things…"

"Heh. Look, even Al's so shocked he's being sarcastic!"

"SHUT UP!!!"

Riza tried to hide her smile from the fuming blonde standing before her. Edward looked cute and badass at the same time wearing the solid black colored mini jacket over a plain white tank top and miniskirt followed by black, knee-high boots. He also let his hair down, one side tucked behind his ear--She had never noticed how long his golden hair had actually grown, currently being below his shoulders. And, of course, his gloves. Now, no one would ever have to make up a mental image if they thought about Edward as a girl, because if he were a real one, this would be exactly what he would look like.

"Sorry, Ed, it's just that you really look like a girl."

"…"

"Are you still mad?"

"**YOU THINK**?!"

"I'll take that as a yes…"

"If you ask my opinion, Edward, I think you look quite stunning in that outfit. You do know very few men can pull those kinds of clothes off and end up convincingly looking like a female."

"Lieutenant! Not you too…!!!"

Edward moaned in frustration and slammed his head into the wall, leaving a small dent.

"And that goes to show how hard headed you are."

"Al, don't start with me."

"Okay, okay…just pointing out a fact…"

"Better not push him to his limits, Alphonse—"

"FINALLY! SOME MERCY HERE!!!"

"—because you have to save some patience for later. Colonel Mustang's still has to see him, remember?"

"Oh yeah…"

"…"

"Now let's go back to the office!!"

"THERE IS NO WAY IN HEAVEN OR HELL YOU WILL TAKE ME TO THAT GODDAMN BASTARD'S OFFICE DRESSED UP LIKE THIS!!!!!"

"Ed, this was the whole point of the punishment!"

"And I care _because_…?"

"Falman's been taking pictures and will have them posted in the newspaper if you don't cooperate with whatever we say?"

"WHAT?!"

Groaning in exasperation, Edward gave up trying, fighting a losing battle was a waste of time, so might as well go with the flow…even if this could be described as a counter-current that completely went in the opposite direction from the healthy flow of normal.

"Aww...don't pout there, boss, we are doing this for your own good."

"HOW IN THE WORLD IS DRESSING ME UP TO LOOK LIKE A _GIRL_ GOING TO **BENEFIT** MY OWN GOOD!?!"

"Now, now, no need to get all fiery. Calm down a little. I swear, Ed, mark my words, you'll be thanking us for this one day."

"**I WILL WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER**!!!"

"You know, for someone who doesn't believe in God—"_Atheist_, Breda, atheist.—"you sure like to use the terms 'Heaven' and 'Hell' a lot…"

"Now that you mention it, brother does seem to say it frequently…"

"See?"

"Hush now. Ittle, bitty Edo-chan is getting pissed"

"Oh no, I'm not pissed."

Everyone, minus Riza, stopped to stare at him in surprise, eyebrows rising up and figurative question marks popping up in the air.

"You aren't??"

"Nope."

"I find that hard to believe."

"I agree. For someone who practically had smoke billowing out through his nostrils, 'not pissed' is the totally the wrong category for you."

"Why would I be pissed? I mean, yeah, you guys are subjecting me to the _worst _humiliation ever, and you're even putting me at risk of being _hit on_ by Mustang, but it's okay. Nothing can get worse than everything else I've been through. Oh nooooooo, this is just an ant bite compared to past situations."

"…."

"Way to set-up the guilt trip, eh, Ed?"

"Guilt-trip? What guilt-trip? I don't know what you're talking about…"

"Yeah right…"

"Does this mean you're dropping the death sentence?"

"Now who said anything about a death sentence?"

"Please, spare me the pathetic-ness. My pride is on the verge of shooting itself in the head!"

"Don't be so overdramatic, Ed, you're pride isn't, and will never be, suicidal."

"Says the guy who's wearing pants."

"Just take it like a man!!"

"NOT WHILE I'M WEARING A DAMNED SKIRT!!!"

"It does throw everyone off balance. Look at all the stares he's attracting."

"When has he ever **not **been stared at? I mean, hello! The Fullmetal Alchemist, who is said to be male, is dressed like a woman!"

"If there was a term for anyone much more stupid than an idiot, it would be named after the three of you."

"Hey now, what's that supposed to mean?!"

"If you haven't noticed, Edward is only receiving stares because of his looks."

"WHAT?!"

"You heard her."

"HAHA! Edward Elric has been found out to have been actually a girl!!!"

"I'm not listening!!"

"This will be the biggest controversy ever to hit Central!"

"LALALALALA!!!"

"We'll be rich!!!!"

"Technically, we wouldn't since you don't get any money for telling such things to gossips…"

"Tch. Moron."

"Look who's talking."

"Feh! You're just being hypocrite!"

"Am not!"

A gunshot rang clear across the hallway as a small bullet hole appeared in the wall. Havoc looked severely shaken as he stared at Hawkeye's pistol that aimed right between his and Edward's foreheads. Gulping audibly, the two stepped away from each other and continued the journey to the office quietly.

"Alright, so here's the plan: Everyone except Edward will walk back in and resume their tasks, someone will give a signal and you, Ed, will walk in holding this."

Breda paused as he pushed a small lunchbox into Edward's arms, then, continuing his game plan. While he talked, the group had huddled, including, surprisingly, Hawkeye, and listened intently to the instructions.

"Ed, don't let anyone see you, or you'll be sent out, but make sure to stay clear within range of the office so you can listen for the first gunshot Hawkeye lets out."

"So what am I supposed to do till then?"

"Keep out of sight but within perimeter of the office."

"That's no different!!"

"And what about us?"

"Well, Ed's supposed to enter and give the lunch to Havoc, all of us have to stare, because you know what handmade lunches mean..."

"**YOU'RE MAKING ME LOOK LIKE SOME LOVE-STRUCK HAVOC FAN**?!?!"

"Shh!"

"Brother, you're going to give it all away!"

"I am not!"

"Both of you shut up!"

"Shutting up."

"What is the whole point of this thing anyway? I mean, why target brother?"

"One: Because I want to see how good his acting skills are. Two: Because he lost the bet, and consequences are consequences. Three: I want to see Colonel's reaction. Four: If I don't do this now, I'll never get another chance. And five: Everyone in here has always been curious as to how Ed would look like in girl clothes, with his feminine looks and all."

"You're _despicable_."

"I know~"

"Breda, continue."

"Okay, now where was I…?"

"Ed enters and gives lunch to Havoc…then…?"

"Right. Then, knowing how the Colonel reacts to girls Havoc tries to date, he'll do the same to Ed!"

"You want him to **take me out**?!"

"Yehp~"

"Al, please, you cannot let them do this to me!! Knowing Mustang, he might try to _**kiss**_ me or something!!"

"…."

"That _would _be bad…"

"Now you say it…"

"But since I don't have a heart, I'm not backing out! Right guys?"

"Colonel won't do that if you pull this fast and as good as you can!"

"Don't reveal anything, Ed!"

"Yeah! Or we'll post the pictures on the newspaper!"

"This is blackmail!"

"That's how it's supposed to be."

"Real friends don't torture each other."

"Noooo…on the contrary, they make each other's lives a living hell."

"What kind of friend is that?!"  
"A BEST friend, Ed."

"I beg to differ."

"Be my guest! I've never seen you beg before."

"Quit putting words in my mouth!!"

"But you're the one who said it!"

"Guys…."

Al stepped in between the two and pushed them away from each other, which he didn't really need to do because the space he filled was enough to drive them apart. There was a loud 'thunk' as Riza hit Havoc over the head with the back of her pistol. ("OW!!! Why didn't you hit him too?!" "Because he isn't a moron.")

"Back to the plan. No interruptions, no arguments, no nothing. Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah…"

"I said 'Got it?"

"Y-yes sir!"

"Very good. Breda, continue."

Breda swallowed nervously at the annoyed glint in Hawkeye's eyes, adjusting his collar a bit before continuing his speech.

"So, Ed, you go out to lunch with him, the Colonel. If you can keep up the act till he gets back to the office, then we're on the right track."

"So all of this just comes down to my acting?"

"Yes. If we guess right, the chief would be all dreamy about 'the girl' he went out to lunch with and then that's when we can swoop down and tease him mercilessly about falling for the Fullmetal Alchemist, his subordinate! Make sure you enter at the right time, Ed."

"That's quite a fool-proof plan you guys have there…"

"Ah! Fuery! What are you doing here?!"

"More importantly, how much did you hear??"

"Pretty much everything, it's not that hard to hear Ed's shouting. The colonel asked me to check on what's going on out here, so…yeah."

"You better keep your mouth shut about this, because if you blow our cover, **you'll** be the next target."

"R-r-right!"

"Good. Now, Ed, we'll be heading inside. Wait for the signal, practice your acting, and get ready. Everyone, move out!"

The group stalked off towards the office, each one, except Al and Riza, struggling to keep the smirks off of their faces.

This was going to be one hell-of-an ordinary office day.

**Finally! My first fanfic for the year 2010!! 8D**

**I'm currently working on the second chapter of this, so don't worry, I won't leave you on a cliff-hanger for too long :)**

**Hope my humor's improved XD I don't want this to end up being too corny "OTL**

**Thanks for reading!**

**-Corsiva V.**


	2. Revenge

**A/N:**

**Hey people! I apologize profusely for being so late in updating!!! So to make up for taking so long in finishing this chapter, I made sure it was extra long. 3 more pages long, to be exact. :D Hope you enjoyed it! Read and Review~**

**-Corsiva V.**

* * *

Edward watched the crew leave for the office, his head spinning from the previous conversations. Then, it hit him.

He was about to go on a date with his superior officer, who also happened to be Colonel Roy-the-bastard-Mustang.

"Oh, **shit**."

* * *

"Lieutenant!"

"Sir."

Hawkeye saluted the Colonel sitting behind the large desk, her eyes betraying no emotion whatsoever that would concern the evil plan the group had concocted just a few minutes ago.

"Where have you been?"  
"I went out to get the rest of your _useless_ crew from the restroom, sir."

"Oh? And what were they doing there?"

"They were having some chit-chat, sir."

"Then what did you do?"

Hawkeye's mouth twitched, as if she was trying to suppress a smirk.

"I left a hole in the plaster of the bathroom wall, sir."

"Ah…alright. Back to work then."

Roy sighed and grabbed the closest document to him, scanning it once before signing it lazily and then getting another one. He would never have suspected his most trusted lieutenant was in on a diabolical plan Havoc had started.

He was never going to know what hit him.

"_Psst. Oi. Havoc_."

Havoc looked up from his pile of paperwork and pretended to look annoyed as he glared at Breda. Time to set things in motion.

"_What_?!"

"_Did you finally ask __**that girl**__ out_?"

"_What gir—Oh. Uhh. Yeah, I have. We have a date tomorrow night_."

Havoc winced inwardly as he discreetly rubbed his ankle, which Falman had kicked from under the table to keep him from giving the whole scheme away. Looking towards the Colonel, he saw that Roy was suddenly writing slowly, his head slightly cocked in their direction.

Everything was going in the right direction so far.

Everyone suddenly jumped as a loud gunshot rang through the room, a new hole appearing on the wall behind Havoc and Breda.

"Keep writing."

"Y-yes ma'am! Uhh, sir! I meant ma'm! S-sir!"

Riza rolled her eyes.

"Just get back to your work."

Then, muted knocking filled the room. Roy Mustang looked up with everyone else, only to be met with the vision of an angel from Heaven standing by the doorway.

* * *

Edward heard the gunshot loud and clear from his position across the hall. Luckily, he hadn't come across any officer, so it saved him the trouble of having to think up of an excuse as to why he was here. Gathering his thoughts, he sucked in a deep breath before walking quietly towards the doorway and knocking on the wooden frame.

"Uum, excuse me, but I believe that there is a second lieutenant Jean Havoc working here…right?"

The blonde tried to keep from wincing at the slightly high pitch he had been practicing. He didn't know whether to feel proud he was so good at acting, or horrified with himself for successfully being able to sound like a girl.

Havoc flashed a millisecond smirk and stood up hastily, taking a few strides towards the doorway, stopping a few meters away and putting a confused expression on his face for everyone to see.

"Ed—Emma! I wasn't expecting to see you here! Is something the matter?"

Edward forced himself to blush, looking up into the blue eyes of the man he was going to **kill** for putting him up to this. What kind of stupid name was 'Emma'?! Oh, wait…his mom's best friend was named Emma…

"Oh! No, none at all! I….I just wanted to give you something homemade to eat for…for lunch."

He thrust the brown paper bag into Havoc's hands and tucked some hair behind his ear, looking down at his feet. From his peripheral vision, he saw Breda's mouth drop, which might've meant he was doing well so far.

"Havoc, aren't you going to introduce her to us?"

Roy's voice cut through the quiet as he stared intently at the 'girl' by the doorway, smiling cheekily.

"R-right. Guys, this is Emma…_Ewell_. She works as a part-time nurse in the hospital."

"Nice. Are you still studying, Emma?"

"How long have you been dating Jean?"

"What do you find appealing about him?"

"Was it love at first site?"

"Now, now, guys. Don't bombard her with questions like that. We aren't dating, alright? I only met her a few days ago. Don't scare her off. You okay, Em?"

Havoc watched as Edward stuttered a bit before nodding his head. Man, he sure was a great actor. If Havoc wasn't in on the plan, he would've believed Ed was a _**girl**_. He laughed –_ahem_-maniacally-_ahem_– inwardly at the thought. This was going to be something he wasn't going to let him live down. **Ever**.

"I-I'm fine."

"Good. Alright, now to introduce the crew to you."

Havoc wrapped his hand around the younger man's shoulder and pulled him close, ignoring the way Edward's body stiffened at the movement, and pointing at each officer as he called out their names.

"There's Breda, the mightily chubby one ("**I AM NOT**!!!") Who's great with strategic planning. The one with glasses is Fuery. Falman's the tall guy with white hair sitting beside him, and no, he isn't old. Then that's Riza, the one who keeps everyone in line, and finally, colonel Mustang, the chief of this whole operation."

Edward glanced at the bastard who stood up and walked toward him, hand outstretched.

"Hello there, Emma, I'm Colonel Roy Mustang, pleased to meet you."

Trying to keep from punching the man in the face, Edward took the hand and shook it, smiling sweetly. '_The damn womanizer_.'

"Havoc, I believe you have some work to do. While waiting for you to finish, why don't I accompany Ms. Ewell here out to lunch for the meantime?"

Roy smiled at his second lieutenant, ignoring the death glare he was given.

"Yes….**sir**."

The smoker turned back to Edward and smiled.

"Well, see you later, Em."

"Y-yeah…later."

They hugged awkwardly, awkward because that was how it was supposed to be if they wanted to keep up the pretense, and awkward because they were both guys and if they ever hugged like this in public, their **sexuality** may have been questioned.

Giving one last glare at Mustang, Havoc turned around and went back to his seat.

"Now come, Ms. Ewell, I shall treat you out to lunch."

"Sir. You're paperwor—"Now, now, I'm almost done with the last stack there, anyway. I can finish it by tonight, lieutenant."

"Just make sure, sir, or the last thing you see will be the black hole of a _gun barrel_."

Riza lifted the hem of her blue jacket and flashed her pistol threateningly.

"I'll keep **that** in mind as I chew my food, lieutenant."

Roy smiled and hooked Edward's arm through his elbow, leading him out the doorway.

Edward craned his neck and turned back to pleaded through his eyes for Al to help him. Trying his luck at the 'puppy-dog eyes' effect, which apparently failed since all he got were sniggers from the three men who were supposed to be concentrating on their work.

Apparently, Al had gone momentarily blind since all he did was smile and wave. Edward glared in reply, sending a different message: '_You are so going to pay for that when I get back_.' '_IF you get back, brother_.' '_Oh, shut up_.'

"....re you alright, Ms. Ewell?"

"What? Uhh, yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about some things…"

"I see, well, I was just going to ask you if you wanted to eat at '_Belle's_' but if you have any other preferences, I'd be delighted to bring you."

The Fullmetal Alchemist mentally shuddered. Mustang was being so….so…_**nice**_. Edward wasn't just feeling strangely unsettled by the decent mannerisms of the Colonel Bastard. He was downright freaked. Yeesh, couldn't the man give him a break?! If he could just act like a jerk, _just once_, he'd have a reason to walk out.

"No, '_Belle's_' is fine."

He gave a small, shy smile for effect, wondering if he really looked like a girl if he could actually be the reason for the way Mustang blinked in wonder, his eyes getting a slight love-struck look. Damn, he was in for it. Why was he doing this again? Oh, right, because the whole town would know he went cross-dressing, albeit against his will.

Fate just reaaaally hated him, didn't it?

* * *

Second lieutenant Jean Havoc was at the edge of his seat in suspense. What in the world was taking those two so long?!

"Maybe the Colonel discovered that Emma isn't actually a 'she' by now…"

"No chance! Were you even _looking_ at Ed?! I swear, his acting skills are through the roof!"

"Oh, was that acting? I'm sorry, I thought a **real female** entered the room and was taken on a date with the Colonel. My apologies."

"Edward never fails at making me feel stupid sometimes. I almost believed he was a girl. No joke."

"What do you think, lieutenant?"

"I think the four of you should get back to work."

"Fine."

"Whatever you say…"

"Alright…"

"At least tell us what you thought?"

"I think that Edward does have immensely good acting skills. Now get back to work."

"I guess this could explain why brother was so good at lying to mom, although she always knew when he was fibbing, for some strange reason…"

"All moms come equipped with that kind of power…and the power that lets them know whether you washed your hands or not…up till now…how does she…???"

Breda slapped Havoc across the back, laughing uproariously at the dubious expression on the other's face.

"We all wonder the same things, Jean. Ahhh…the mysteries of the world…"

"I always wondered how my mom could look angry and not angry at the same time. Whenever I'd step out of line by questioning what she said or retorting or using sarcasm she'd go quiet, her face smiling and gentle, and her voice very sweet, then she'd ask '_Say that again_?' Scares the heck out of me I tell you."

"Same, Falman."

"One thing that amazed me about mom was how she was able to get brother to drink his milk. Every. Single. Time."

"Now, that's a miracle in itself. You Elrics are such impossible-doers, aren't you? Save for one Elric, who's just plain impossible."

"Well…not really…"

"Save the humility, Alphonse. We're used to bragging. I mean, we see the Colonel every day, do we not?"

"Oh…right."

There was a loud bang, followed by the hasty scratching of pens on papers.

"I thought I told you three to work."

"You thought you did…"

"Warning number one, Havoc."

"Warning taken into account."

A sigh echoed through the armor sitting on the couch as the seconds ticked by.

"Do you really think he hasn't found out brother by now…?"

"Alphonse, the longer you sit there doing nothing, the longer they're going to take, why don't you do something productive…like help out with this stack of paperwork perhaps—"**Nice try**, second lieutenant, but I'm not an officer here, so it's not my job."

"Darn. It was worth a try though."

Riza sighed in exasperation, rolling her eyes before cocking her pistol threateningly.

"Warning number two, Havoc. If I don't see that hand moving, my gun will personally see to your loss of limb."

"Woah, lieutenant, calm down for a bit there…"

"There are _two_ bullets left in here. Would you like to see how they'll be used up, Breda?"

"I think I'll pass, thank you."

Everyone paused their banter to look at the two figures that appeared by the doorway.

Finally. It was time to give Mustang _**hell**_.

But before Havoc opened his mouth to speak, he drank in the appearance of Edward and his superior. Something was off about them. _Very off_.

Three glances at Edward showed the blonde's hair to be a little mussed. He was standing awkwardly beside Mustang and seemed to find something very interesting with the ceiling. His cheeks were getting redder by the second, his lips were a little more red than before, his breathing was slightly erratic, and soon, he was biting his bottom lip in what seemed to be embarrassment and nervousness.

Three glances at the Colonel told Havoc that the Colonel's hair was messier than it was this morning. His mouth was twitching, as if he was trying to hide a smile, wait, no, scratch that, I meant smirk. He seemed a little short of breath as well, his cheeks seemed to have a slight tint of pink over the usually pale pallor, and a bead of sweat made it's way down his face. It was Fall season in Amestris for Christ's sake! No one had the luxury to sweat! It was too frikkin' cold!

Last, the ginger haired second lieutenant noticed the last thing off about the two.

They were leaning away from each other as much as they could without trying to be noticed.

The deathly silence behind him let him know that everyone had analyzed them too…and had not yet come to the same conclusion he was about to.

Then realization dawned upon his poor mind.

**Oh**. **My**. **God**.

"**OH NO YOU DIDN'T**!!!!!!!"

"Colonel….you…."

"This wasn't supposed to happen!!!!"

"Damn…I mean….damn."

"Shit! This is bad!! …!!!"

"Uh…oh…"

"Sir, I think what you did was highly inappropriate."

"What did I _do_, lieutenant?"

Jean Havoc stared at the Colonel before suddenly exploding again, his arms flailing around as he ran around the room.

"!!!"

"What…?"

Mustang stepped back as Havoc stopped in front of him and leaned in close, glaring blue into black eyes as he enunciated each word properly.

"You. Kissed. The. Fullmetal. Alchemist."

"WHAT?!!?"

Roy looked over at the 'girl' beside him and finally noticed how much broader her shoulders were than other women he knew.

"OH…SHIT."

"THAT WOULD BE THE CORRECT WAY TO PUT IT."

"You mean…..that she….is….oh shit…!!"

"Remove the damn 's' in 'she' Colonel and you'll get the real Emma Ewell!!"

"How….Edward….WHAT?!"

Havoc left the Flame Alchemist to freak and made his way over to the 'oh-so-great-actor', grabbing him by the collar and yelling into his face.

"And _**YOU**_."

Edward shrunk back, his voice going up a few more octaves.

"…._me_…?"

"HOW COULD YOU LET THE COLONEL _**KISS**_ YOU GODDAMMIT?!?!?"

"I…I…I don't know….he just…you know….leaned over suddenly…and then….it happened….I didn't have any time to think…"

"THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE!!! YOU'RE A QUICK-THINKER, ED!!! SO WHY DIDN'T YOU….THINK?!?!?!"

While Havoc was busy shouting, the rest of the crew sat in silence, unable to let the ordeal sink into their frozen minds.

They just couldn't believe it.

Or maybe it was more of 'wouldn't' than 'couldn't', which was understandable, seeing as they had not expected this.

Who would?

* * *

Silence.

Tense, weird, cold, deathly, awkward silence.

Then, a strange sound was heard.

It sounded like someone was letting air out of the balloon, but in short bursts.

They turned their heads towards the source of the noise, which pointed in the direction of the blonde quietly standing by the doorway.

"Pffffffffffffffffffff…"

More air, a shaking blonde. Was he crying?

"Pfff…he…..pfffff…hehe….pfff..hehehe…"

Waiiiiiiit a second…

"Pff…ha….hahaha….pffff….hahahahahahaha….haha…pfff…!"

Then there was a strange sucking sound, like Fuery sounded like when he tried to breathe after Havoc persuaded him to try one smoke.

Edward suddenly fell to the ground, coughing violently as he shook.

"Edward…?"

Silence.

And then, a bomb was set-off.

"!!!!!!!!!"

The blonde pounded the ground as he rolled, tears evident on his cheeks as he laughed.

Really laughed.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THE LOOK ON YOUR FACES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! PRICELESS!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"….what…?!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!! WAHAHAHA!!!"

"What are you talking about?!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MUSTANG!!! YOU EXPLAIN!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Everyone turned toward the black haired man and saw that he too was laughing, silently, that is.

But if he let out one sound, they knew the whole building would've shook with laughter.

How did they know?

Because the Colonel was also on the floor shaking so hard he looked like he was having a seizure, or an aneurism, whichever works fine.

"……"

That was the only reply they got.

"WOULD YOU TWO JUST TELL US WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!"

"Haha..sorry…ha…but Fullmetal was right…hahaha….your faces…..haha…..especially Havoc's….hahaha….alright….ha….alright…..haha….I'm….ha….ready….ha…"

"Get yourself together, sir, or so help me I'll make sure you never laugh again."

"Okay…haha….okay…ha…"

Mustang got up shakily and leant against the doorway for support, still snickering.

On the other hand, Edward had finally gone past the point of laughing out loud and was now a rolling, silent, shaking mass on the floor, a waterfall of tears cascading down his face. It was some kind of cycle. He'd calm himself down, breathe in and out deeply, then the faces of the crew would pop up in his mind's eye and he was back to square one.

"If you keep that up, Edward, you'll get a heart attack. Really."

"….."

"Yeah, great talking to you too."

"….."

Riza's cold voice permeated the air as she spoke to her still-laughing superior.

"Sir, if you don't stop laughing now, I will leave this room, call Major Armstrong, and tell him you thought that he is one of the greatest alchemists you know."

That sobered the Colonel up quickly, not that anyone could blame him.

What would you do if just the thought of Major Armstrong hounding you because you praised him? I would definitely stop laughing. The mental image of the scenario is **not pretty**.

"Ahem…alright, I'll tell you…ha…ahem….You see, what happened was…haha…"

* * *

_AN AWESOME FLASHBACK:_

"_Are you ready to order, sir?"_

_The waitress's annoyingly sweet voice cut through Edward's thoughts, making him glower silently at the girl's back, which Ed felt was facing him on purpose. Good grief! Were all shallow women always so competitive?? He didn't even know the girl!_

"_Not yet, thank you. Although I believe my __**guest**__ may have already chosen something to order."_

_Roy stressed the word 'guest' as he gestured towards his date, forcing the waitress to turn her unwanted attention towards the cross-dresser._

"_Would you like to order anything?"_

"_Uuh…not yet, thanks."_

_Edward didn't like the way she glared at him, all though she had pulled her lips up into a weird, very obviously forced smile. The brunette waitress huffed in annoyance, gave one last attempt of a dazzling smile at Mustang before stomping off, leaving the two._

"_So, Emma, how has work as a nurse working out for you so far?"_

_Oh great…he's started the small talk. He hated small talk. He despised it to the ends of the earth._

"_Quite fine, thank you. Although there are those rude patients every now and then…"_

"_I see. And your family? Are you an only child or do you have any siblings?"_

"_Well, I have a younger sister, Anna. She's about a year younger than me, but she helps around the house instead of working."_

"_What about your parents?"_

"_My mother works in a small flower shop while my father's a mechanic."_

"_I see…"_

_Roy went silent as he stared into Edward's eyes, a small smile tugging at his lips. The conversation soon continued once the meal arrived, brought by a different waitress this time._

_Looks like Ed won that round._

* * *

_Walking out of the restaurant, Edward found the sky starting to darken. Apparently, their lunch had extended over to early dinner with all the talking they had._

_Strangely, he didn't seem to mind as much, but it still freaked him out._

_Soon enough, they were outside of headquarters._

"_Thanks for the lunch…or early dinner."_

_The blonde blushed realistically and looked down, fidgeting a bit. Suddenly, a large shadow blocked the light and she looked up, only to be staring into Roy's intense raven gaze. And then he noticed how close they were. Very close. Too close._

"_It was my pleasure…"_

_Roy leaned forward, wrapping a large arm around the small waist and pulling Edward closer. _

_Edward felt his personal-space bubble being seriously breached. Alarms were going off, but he couldn't move. Of all times to freeze, this just might win the jackpot for being the worst ever. He could feel spiky locks brushing against his cheek as his superior leaned even closer, warm breath tickling his ear._

"…_.Fullmetal."_

…_..…_

………_.._

…………_.._

"_!!!!!!!!"_

"_Shh! I didn't know this whole time, I only realized it after Havoc introduced you!!"_

"_How could…but….I was…and then you were….when did…AARGGH!!?!"_

_Roy laughed, petting his subordinate._

"_DON'T PET ME!!!"_

"_Alright, alright. But I only did this for kicks. Now at least you look flustered."_

"_Now what? You're going to tell me you had a plan this whole time and were just waiting for the right moment to put it into action??"_

"_Yes."_

"_WHAT?!"_

"_If you're still interested, the plan includes getting revenge on Havoc and the crew and it'll be the best laugh you'll ever have. So are you in?"_

"…_.Fine. But I'm only doing it to get back at Havoc."_

"_Whatever suits you best, so here's how it's going to be…."_

_END OF AWESOME FLASHBACK._

* * *

"And that's what happened."

Roy smiled smugly as everyone collected their minds, which had been blown out of proportion by the scheming bastard.

That plan was brilliant.

And then finally, Edward spoke…without laughing.

"The hunter's been hunted, eh, Second Lieutenant Havoc?"

"Oh, shut up."

"Whatever you say~"

"I can still hold your acting against you!!"

"…No!! No you can't!!"

"At least we now know that Fullmetal would be good for spying."

"So this prank turned out to be useful after all, sir?"

"Yes, First Lieutenant Hawkeye. It has turned out to be very useful."

And so that marked the end of a very eventful day.

But also started the beginning of the very famous Colonel Mustang Squad Prank Wars of Central Headquarters.

Hell was still to come.

**THE END**


End file.
